me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
You need Xanax blowdarts
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
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