i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
