Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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