Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Never joke about your clitoris.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
