a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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