You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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