I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
No subtext here. People are naked.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
