Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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