U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
