I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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