my vag is so smooth its legendary
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
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