that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
