Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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