I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You are the jesus of drinking
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I love you.
Bad choice
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
