I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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