this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
