Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize