First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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