Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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