Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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