I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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