he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
