Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize