i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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