I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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