I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
