And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize