remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
