Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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