He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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