i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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