Don't make out with my wife yet
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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