Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
