my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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