im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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