I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
