I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
