My friends, they love my intelligence
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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