were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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