im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
