Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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