he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize