im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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