My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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