i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize