I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
