I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
