Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I think I just sharted jello shots
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
