I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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