allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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