you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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