defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize