you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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