There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
