Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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