I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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