I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
