apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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