They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
