Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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