Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
