I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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