Swine flu is the new snow day.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
