I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
You left your phone here
Wait...
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
